Five months ago, my lovely client who for the sake of this blog I shall call Julie, got involved with a man she met on the internet.

Within a week she was experiencing the most passionate, consuming, fun relationship in years.  He was telling her how beautiful she was, how much she had changed his life, how he longed to become a father.

He was telling her everything she had been longing to hear.

I could hear her gasp when I asked her the following question:

“Julie, are you in a committed relationship?”  Her answer to me was,“I’m not sure.”  Bear with me as explain some coaching etiquette before I continue with Julie’s story

I am a Relationship and Bereavement Coach, and I specialise in working with Divorced and Bereaved Women who are ready to embrace love again. 

 I help you to have a clear set of directions to follow in determining whether the man you are dating ticks the boxes of your top requirements.

What I mean by your top requirements becomes very clear when we determine what YOUR most important values are, and this we discover very early in our sessions together.

You will begin to date with awareness. You are aware of the big picture;   awareness of self, others, the past, future and the present.  You are aware of your vision and constantly examine your options to make the best choices in alignment with that vision, all the while being mindful of the long-term consequences.

I also advise the women I coach to date a number of men at the same time.  By dating a number of men, you have a greater chance to identify the man most likely to meet your requirements and increase your chances at finding love again.  Although it is possible to meet your ideal man on a first date, it doesn’t happen that often.

In order to determine that, you would be required to do quite a bit of ground work.  You would need to get to know him well.  You would need to understand what his long term and short term goals are, whether he wants children, what his view of relationships is, whether he is financially able and ready to meet this type of commitment. Whether he really wants commitment at all!

We make some of the biggest mistakes of our lives when we make decisions based on partial or false information.  Relationships need to be tested for compatibility.  I know we have all heard of stories where couples have met, fallen in love and 25 years later it’s still the same, but that’s very rare.  Statistics tell us that more than 55% of marriages end in divorce.

Believe me when I tell you that it is VERY UNLIKELY that you would be able to determine this within one week!  It is even more unlikely that you think logically within that one week if you enter into a sexual relationship with him.  This is where the expression “Love Is Blind” is often used.  Before you know it, and whole cocktail of hormones and chemicals have taken over your mind and body when you enter into that wonderful world of intimacy.  These hormones affect you and your decision-making ability in the early stages of falling in love.

Now, let’s get back to Julie. When she first came to see me, it was clear that she wanted a committed relationship with a man who shared the same values.  She wants to become a mother and is close approaching forty.  She is very connected to her wonderful extended family and they play a very important part in her life.  She also loves animals and would need to have a partner who shares that fondness for all small creatures that bark.

Julie jumped into a relationship with internet man, without testing it for compatibility.  Within two weeks it became clear that he was a drug addict who had been clean for 7 months, only to relapse within 14 days of their meeting.  He was struggling to get his business off the ground.  He didn’t like her pet.  Five months later the relationship ended because he became involved with someone else.  He is a man clearly not wanting commitment.  A man with serious past issues and addicted to substances to mask his pain, a man who is certainly not ready to become a father. 

Yes, it ended badly, but Julie is tenacious.  She has learnt a great lesson in how to get it right next time, and is back in the dating world applying the rules, working with a renewed sense of self-worth and  patience in finding her ideal man.

If you want to meet your ideal man, please test the relationship for compatibility first.  Make sure he ticks the boxes of your top requirements and above all, do not get intimately involved with a man unless you are certain he wants to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with you.  Keep dating a variety of men to increase the likelihood of meeting “The One” and above all else, keep your sense of humour.

I wish you success in Creating Successful Relationships.

With Love
Shelley

]]> http://www.motivationsynergy.com/2012/03/are-you-in-an-imaginary-relationship/feed/ 0 http://www.motivationsynergy.com/2011/11/where-you-are-likely-to-find-a-single-man/ http://www.motivationsynergy.com/2011/11/where-you-are-likely-to-find-a-single-man/#comments Wed, 09 Nov 2011 16:17:03 +0000 Shelley http://www.motivationsynergy.com/?p=83 For my single Ladies looking for their men, try the following places.  A number of my single female clients have been most successful at these venues, and MEN, if you are looking for your new partner, GO THERE:

Salsa and Dance classes / clubs

Motor and Boat Shows 

Sushi Bars (this is one place a single man will sit down and eat alone!)

Singles Vacations … not rocket science.

Computer and Electronics Shops - if he isn’t wearing a wedding ring, ask his advice.  Men love to help and give advice

WINE TASTINGS 

Wishing you much success

SHELLEY

First impressions are vital and although I always encourage a woman to give a man a second chance, the opposite is not true for men. If he cannot connect with you he emotionally thinks that you are not for him and he will seldom give you a second chance. He will not be calling you for the second date unless he really enjoyed the first.

You have one chance to be your most authentic, relaxed, interesting lovely-self and if you match his energy, you can be sure he will call again for a second date. It’s about making the first date a real success. Very often the reason a man did not want a second date will surprise you. It’s about getting needs met and it has nothing to do with how beautiful, funny, engaging or successful you are. If you are on a date with a man who has a particular need that you are not able to fulfill because he may not be relationship-ready or he has insecurities, he is not going to ask you out on a second date. This is all about his issues and has nothing to do with you.

After working with many women who have been confused as to why they aren’t getting second dates, and conducting thousands of surveys on what men find most unacceptable on a date, I would love to share with you some of the deadly mistakes women make.

The dating process is not so much about finding the one as it is about BECOMING THE ONE. It’s about taking responsibility for what you are doing, experiencing and attracting into your lives and if it is not what you want, you need to find another way of doing it. It is not about settling for any man and giving up on your values and needs. I have seen many times over how women will compromise their values to meet their needs.

Some women have become so desperate that they have settled for a man, instead of the man. The right man is not going to come along if you do not feel good about yourself. How do you want a man to make you feel and why is it important to you?

Please keep an eye out for my free report:  THE SEVEN DEADLY MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE ON A DATE

Wishing you Success in Love

Shelley

It all began for her in about 1953 when she met the  now Zen Master, Albert trough the years, even though at the age of 5 I didn’t understand that “what we resist increases”. Low, who introduced her to “In Search Of The Miraculous” by Peter Ouspensky.  She continued her journey, meeting Krishnamurti, and then spending almost 30 years under the guidance of Leon MacLaren, the founder of the School Of Economic Science, and finally in the latter part of her life she has joined Sahaj Marg.

The 5 Foundation Rules for Success in Love and not unique, but they certainly work, and because of my aunt I have always approached life with a very different perspective and attitude.

When I sit down to the very first coaching session with a new client, I always mention the 5 Foundation Rules. These are the 5 Rules that lead to great success, happiness and joy in your life when applied. Whatever you think will manifest in your life.   By desiring and deciding on a different course of action you can have what you desire.

1. What you Focus On Increases

Whatever you focus your attention on, whatever you think attaches to your emotions and creates the feeling.  We all know that wonderful great hair day feeling, the sun is shining and everyone is smiling.  It just gets better, and we feel happier.

The same is true when we are in a negative state, a state of worry, fear and pain.  When we sink into that pit of despair it just gets worse, and darker.  This state can last for days and for some people, even years.

If you want to improve your life you need to focus on what you want.

Whatever you think about and believe will become your reality.  Thoughts become feelings and the more you focus on your thoughts, the more you amplify the results you experience.

2. No-one will be the way you want them to be

We can not expect anyone to be the way we want them to be.  They are unique and they behave in a way that serves them at the time, although very often it does not serve us.  We set ourselves up for great pain and disappointment when we expect others to be the way we want them to be.

3. No-one can make you feel the way you feel

How you feel is ultimately your choice.  It is true that we may feel angry, frustrated, or sad when we have experienced a disagreement, betrayal or broken promise in relation to another person.  We can hold on to these feelings of pain, or we can let go and choose to feel differently.  I know that this sounds so simple, but in reality it can be a really hard exercise.  It is so much easier to blame someone for how we feel, but this leaves you in a hugely disempowered state. Practice feeling happy, and thinking happy.

4. To The Degree You Take Responsibility Determines Your Success

By taking responsibility for your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, for whatever is manifesting around you and for whatever part you have played by attracting it into your life, you also take responsibility for increasing or changing whatever is or is not working.  It is being willing to take whatever action is needed to change whatever is happening.  Experience shows that people who take responsibility for how they feel are happier and more fulfilled, but it does come at a price.  You need to give up being a victim of circumstances and experiences.

5. If You Cannot Change It, You Can Change Your Attitude

So many times in our lives, things do not go as planned.  We can become full of bitterness and disappointment when we are unable to change what has happened.  The way to change our attitude when we are unable to change our circumstances is to change our thoughts.  All our feelings stem from out thoughts.  So much of this happens at a very fast, unconscious level and awareness of our thinking is critical to making these changes.  You can change your attitude if you desire and decide to do so.

It begins just by observing our thoughts and how often the negative ones take over.  When you become aware of the negative thoughts that become feelings, you can replace them with the positive ones.  This then changes the way we act and behave.  There are many ways to change your attitude, but this is the one I recommend the most.  This is not a wonderful, new discovery.  It’s been practiced by the Wise Men, Masters and Sages throughout the centuries.   It requires persistence and commitment, and it’s something we practice for the rest of our lives.  It is an opportunity to grow.

I always ask myself “How I can make this situation work for me?”  Another great question to ask yourself is “What can I do to change the way I feel?”

You are here for a reason and you have a purpose.  Happiness is your birthright.  Today is practice for tomorrow. You don’t need anyone’s permission to be happy.

Wishing you much joy and success.

Shelley

“Love is not a fantasy of perfection in which our every need is met, but sharing a life together, striving to meet each other’s needs as best we can. Forgiving our partners for their mistakes and accepting their limitations can be just as fulfilling as appreciating their many gifts and successes” 

I hear the words spoken by so many, so often, who will only be happy when everything is perfect ………. when he or she does exactly what is expected, when there is passion, when there is peace, when there is more money, more time to enjoy what life has to offer …

I know that unless we embrace what is happening right now, loving what today has to offer, graciously accepting what lesson today is teaching us, looking for the way to make it work, and the hidden benefit to the often outwardly negative situation, then we are really not living life to our full potential. 

We will miss the opportunity to create happiness for ourselves and others. We may even resort to playing the blame game, where everyone ends up being a loser. 

In order to sustain a relationship, it is vital to EMBRACE the differences and celebrate the similarities. If we cannot find a way to embrace the difference and to achieve balance (yes, easier said than done), then sustaining a relationship is difficult. Over time the perceived differences can erode intimacy and couples withdraw, live together superficially, or in time they split up. 

In my relationships I have learnt that my life does not have to be perfect in order for me to support and connect with those I love and coach. 

It’s all about the connection we share with our loved ones, or the lack of it that really matters in the end.

If you are feeling that your relationship is devoid of the depth of connection your heart is longing for, email me.  The first 5 readers will receive a free 20 minute phone consultation, leaving you with some great information on how to facilitate change.

Wishing you success in love

Shelley

I would like to share with you a Chinese wisdom, because at the end of the day it’s about taking action to create what we want, a better relationship, home, job, life and world. Talking about it is great, maintaining action is what gets us there.

I know that many of you who are reading this, are going through a really hard time. You have lost a loved one, you are suffering ill health, a financial crisis and the future looks so bleak. It’s so easy to judge someone else who seems to have it all, however we never truly know how it is until we can walk a mile in their shoes.

Sometimes the only action we need take is an attitude shift.

The Chinese say, “The best time to plant a tree was always 20 years ago. The second best time is always today.” Funny how planting trees and taking action on the life of your dreams are the same that way.

It’s NEVER too late for anything. Just start!

Happy week friends

With warmth

Shelley