Archive for the ‘Fantasy’ Category
Five months ago, my lovely client who for the sake of this blog I shall call Julie, got involved with a man she met on the internet.
Within a week she was experiencing the most passionate, consuming, fun relationship in years. He was telling her how beautiful she was, how much she had changed his life, how he longed to become a father.
He was telling her everything she had been longing to hear.
I could hear her gasp when I asked her the following question:
“Julie, are you in a committed relationship?” Her answer to me was,“I’m not sure.” Bear with me as explain some coaching etiquette before I continue with Julie’s story
I am a Relationship and Bereavement Coach, and I specialise in working with Divorced and Bereaved Women who are ready to embrace love again.
I help you to have a clear set of directions to follow in determining whether the man you are dating ticks the boxes of your top requirements.
What I mean by your top requirements becomes very clear when we determine what YOUR most important values are, and this we discover very early in our sessions together.
You will begin to date with awareness. You are aware of the big picture; awareness of self, others, the past, future and the present. You are aware of your vision and constantly examine your options to make the best choices in alignment with that vision, all the while being mindful of the long-term consequences.
I also advise the women I coach to date a number of men at the same time. By dating a number of men, you have a greater chance to identify the man most likely to meet your requirements and increase your chances at finding love again. Although it is possible to meet your ideal man on a first date, it doesn’t happen that often.
In order to determine that, you would be required to do quite a bit of ground work. You would need to get to know him well. You would need to understand what his long term and short term goals are, whether he wants children, what his view of relationships is, whether he is financially able and ready to meet this type of commitment. Whether he really wants commitment at all!
We make some of the biggest mistakes of our lives when we make decisions based on partial or false information. Relationships need to be tested for compatibility. I know we have all heard of stories where couples have met, fallen in love and 25 years later it’s still the same, but that’s very rare. Statistics tell us that more than 55% of marriages end in divorce.
Believe me when I tell you that it is VERY UNLIKELY that you would be able to determine this within one week! It is even more unlikely that you think logically within that one week if you enter into a sexual relationship with him. This is where the expression “Love Is Blind” is often used. Before you know it, and whole cocktail of hormones and chemicals have taken over your mind and body when you enter into that wonderful world of intimacy. These hormones affect you and your decision-making ability in the early stages of falling in love.
Now, let’s get back to Julie. When she first came to see me, it was clear that she wanted a committed relationship with a man who shared the same values. She wants to become a mother and is close approaching forty. She is very connected to her wonderful extended family and they play a very important part in her life. She also loves animals and would need to have a partner who shares that fondness for all small creatures that bark.
Julie jumped into a relationship with internet man, without testing it for compatibility. Within two weeks it became clear that he was a drug addict who had been clean for 7 months, only to relapse within 14 days of their meeting. He was struggling to get his business off the ground. He didn’t like her pet. Five months later the relationship ended because he became involved with someone else. He is a man clearly not wanting commitment. A man with serious past issues and addicted to substances to mask his pain, a man who is certainly not ready to become a father.
Yes, it ended badly, but Julie is tenacious. She has learnt a great lesson in how to get it right next time, and is back in the dating world applying the rules, working with a renewed sense of self-worth and patience in finding her ideal man.
If you want to meet your ideal man, please test the relationship for compatibility first. Make sure he ticks the boxes of your top requirements and above all, do not get intimately involved with a man unless you are certain he wants to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with you. Keep dating a variety of men to increase the likelihood of meeting “The One” and above all else, keep your sense of humour.
I wish you success in Creating Successful Relationships.
A lovely little gem from John Gray’s book “Why Mars and Venus Collide”
“Love is not a fantasy of perfection in which our every need is met, but sharing a life together, striving to meet each other’s needs as best we can. Forgiving our partners for their mistakes and accepting their limitations can be just as fulfilling as appreciating their many gifts and successes”
I hear the words spoken by so many, so often, who will only be happy when everything is perfect ………. when he or she does exactly what is expected, when there is passion, when there is peace, when there is more money, more time to enjoy what life has to offer …
I know that unless we embrace what is happening right now, loving what today has to offer, graciously accepting what lesson today is teaching us, looking for the way to make it work, and the hidden benefit to the often outwardly negative situation, then we are really not living life to our full potential.
We will miss the opportunity to create happiness for ourselves and others. We may even resort to playing the blame game, where everyone ends up being a loser.
In order to sustain a relationship, it is vital to EMBRACE the differences and celebrate the similarities. If we cannot find a way to embrace the difference and to achieve balance (yes, easier said than done), then sustaining a relationship is difficult. Over time the perceived differences can erode intimacy and couples withdraw, live together superficially, or in time they split up.
In my relationships I have learnt that my life does not have to be perfect in order for me to support and connect with those I love and coach.
It’s all about the connection we share with our loved ones, or the lack of it that really matters in the end.
If you are feeling that your relationship is devoid of the depth of connection your heart is longing for, email me. The first 5 readers will receive a free 20 minute phone consultation, leaving you with some great information on how to facilitate change.
Wishing you success in love